It has been seven months since my doctor gave me the results of my labs. I knew the moment she walked in that it wasn't good. She walked in with a solemn face, strange since I'd only ever seen her smile. She was normally a very optimistic person. But on this day, no smile, just a sense of sadness. She came in, pulled up her chair, sat down and looked me straight in the eyes and told me, "Audrey, you are far too young for me to be giving you such news." She preceded to lay out in front of me my lab results, a seven page report that predicted a fate of grim for me. I listened, half there and at the same time half not there. Most of the tests were off the charts. When she was done, before I could even ask what it all meant in the big picture, she looked up at me and solemnly said, "I'm sorry to say, but if you don't make some very drastic changes, NOW, you're looking at a fatal heart attack or stroke in twelve to eighteen months."
Not only was this poisonous pill already so difficult to swallow, but I had already fought so hard. Taken medicines that destroyed parts of me that I loved, tried treatments I had forever been fearful of, but tried in the slim chance they could make a difference. I went on a diet that was supposed to help, but ultimately put my gall bladder in distress and later shut down completely. I had procedures and surgeries that left me in even more pain.
I already felt like I had already been to hell and back and now I was being asked to fight to get through it all again. "NO! No, that's it! I've had enough!...I have no more fight in me." It of course saddened her as I left her office in tears.
After living so long in so much pain and going through so much, it honestly didn't bother me to know my end was near. In fact, it was somewhat of a relief. Even so, it was very difficult to tell the ones I love. Some still refuse to believe it, a few begged me to fight. But no matter how deep within myself I tried to find the strength, I just couldn't.
And so, I started making plans of sorts for when I am gone, getting things in order for my family to make the transition easier. I made all the appointments needed for each of the kids needs, so their therapies and such would be established before I go and all such tedious things.
Fast forward through the new year and our world was struck with Covid-19 pandemic. In our home so far, so good, no one in my family has got it. But it brought with it an additional challenge or fight. I was now looking at instead of getting about a year, if I were to contract the virus, I would not be capable of fighting and I could be gone in a matter of weeks or less.
This stark realization brought on a whole other slew of emotions and fears. Plus, now, the best way to combat the virus was to self quarantine so as to limit my chances of getting it. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal since I spend most of my life home bound anyway. But it has turned out to be much harder than expected. It is right in my face how much my family still needs me.
So despite my initial intentions, I am waging war on the stress and everything that caused my labs to be out of control. I am taking control of my health and my happiness so that I can be here to see my children graduate from college, get married and hopefully get to meet my grandchildren.
Though I have started contacting friends and family to share what is going on, it is just way too hard. Especially, knowing in some cases I'm saying good-bye because life is such that we just don't get to talk often at all. So when my therapist and I started talking about how journaling would help me get through it all as well as help document my progress, I figured blogging it would help me and get to share with my loved ones as well.
I'm not looking for any pity or sorrow. I want to try my best, through all the pain and the tough times, to celebrate life and all the blessings I have been given. And I invite you to be my cheerleaders. I'm going to have many difficult days, but with your help and support I pray I will have fewer and fewer difficult days. Especially for those who truly love and care about me, here is where you will find updates. Please only comment positive and encouraging words, for I most certainly don't have room for negativity.
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